extra bits

i’ve always loved the corrs.

been listening to their songs over and over again these few days. and i’m not tired of them yet :D my all time favourites are “rebel heart” and “all the love in the world”.

i never get tired of “rebel heart”. i remember listening the song to sleep every night while i was around 13 or 14. and i remember that decade CDs were so expensive and pirated ones were not that available. i kept rewinding my tape. luckily it didn’t go bonkers :p

thanks to technology (and pirated CDs and unlimited downloadable music!) i don’t have to do that now. i just need to press “repeat” and i can listen to it all night :) life is bliss.

i love “long night” too. it suits my mood now :)

i’m all alone again
thinking you will never say that you’ll be home again

and it’s gonna be a long night
and it’s gonna be cold without your arms
and i’m gonna get stage fright caught in the headlights
it’s gonna be a long night
and i know i’m gonna lose this fight

suddenly thought about a movie which i’ve watched some time ago. while i was still in the uk. around august last year. it’s called “if only”. starring jennifer love hewitt. i remember i cried like a baby while watching the show. because it was really sad. and it made me think about a lot of things.

he was given another chance. because she didn’t really die in the car accident after they fought with each other that night. he merely dreamt about the whole incident. but he knew the car accident would happen anyway when he woke up. he was given another chance to treat her better. just one day. to try to change things. to show her how much he loved her. to treat her as he should have all those times. in the end. they were still separated. but at least it was not after a huge fight. it was after a very memorable day spent together. it was really sad.

i thought about how things changed in these few months. and i thought about what i would do if i were given another chance. would i change anything about our relationship. would i treat you better. or would any of that make a difference. i guess nothing makes any difference anymore. i’ve long realised that it was not how i’ve treated you. or how you’ve treated me. it was merely fate maybe. so it won’t make any difference if we were given another chance. right?

“take my heart back” by jennifer love hewitt. a lovely song. and it only makes the movie better and sadder :)

it’ll be alright. you said. tomorrow
don’t you cry
don’t you shed a tear
when you wake up i will still be here
when you wake up we’ll battle all your fears

and now i’ll take my heart back
leave your pictures on the floor
steal back my memories
i can’t take it anymore
i’ve cried my eyes out
and now i face the years
the way you loved me vanished all the tears

just a little more time was all we needed
just a little time for me to see
the light that life can give you
how it can set you free

i love how he expresses himself in words. although it’s really a rare thing. and because it’s a rare thing. i treasure the chances of actually coming across something he wrote. i did try to persuade him to write more. but it’s easier said than done :) i guess he prefers talking. which he seldom does also :) but maybe that’s why i love him? i mean. seriously i can’t find someone who talks too much. because i love to talk. and if my partner loves talking too. when will i have my chance?

while i was listening to the radio a few weeks ago. which i seldom do. but anyway. i heard that fish leong has released a new album. and it’s called 别再为他流泪. it caught my attention. because…

anyway. the song is not bad. but i don’t think i will ever stop crying. i mean. he’s not here. and i miss him. sometimes a lot. and once in while i do feel sad. but i’m actually feeling better now. unlike the first few months. when i cried almost every night thinking about how things went down the hill.

here’s another song which i’ve came across. and which the song lyrics caught my attention.

属于我的昨天之前的结局 我決定我的決定
属于我的明天之后的憧憬 我迷信我的迷信
属于我们点点滴滴的伤心 我们要各自忘记
属于我们闪闪发亮的爱情 我们再一起努力

the pictures i received from him made me cry. not that he didn’t warn me. i just couldn’t hold my tears. like i’ve mentioned in my blog. the more you want to hold back your tears. the faster they roll down your cheeks. no? i’ve always thought that everything has ended. apparently not. i’m still clinging to the tiniest hope i have now. which makes me happy and breaks my heart at the same time.

sometimes i do think about how all this will end. or more precisely. when will all this end.

in bed i lay. with nothing but your t-shirt on.

they asked me to cry out loud. for the last time. and wipe everything away once and for all. but i can’t cry. because i don’t feel sad anymore.

the most shocking thing is. not only did he read what i wrote here. he actually told me the name of this blog. what a joke.

maybe by letting him know that i still love him. by admitting that i won’t be able to forget him in a million years. i’m actually healing my own wounds. maybe i should’ve stopped thinking about what should’ve been long long time ago. maybe i should’ve stop thinking about him taking back his words. but it doesn’t matter now. the past is the past.

he has showed me something really important today. i know that i will have a sleepless night tonight. because i will need to digest all the things he said. but it’s ok.

i will slowly digest them. because tomorrow is saturday. i don’t have to go to work.

i woke up quite early this morning. while i was having my breakfast. i thought about how i used to send sms-es to him every morning. just to greet him good morning and a nice day ahead. and i wondered whether i should send him one today. i hesitated for a while. and decided otherwise. he wouldn’t bother anyway. so why should i?

it’s not that i’ve forgotten all about him. it’s not that i don’t think about him anymore. i still do. sometimes. but he doesn’t give a damn. so what more can i do?

sometimes i hope he would call. sometimes i hope he would come back to me. but i know that nothing is going to change any of this. and i’ve given up wishing that he would love me like he used to do.

currently listening to “男人女人”. something strange is happening. i know that. my return to uk reminded me so much about him. but it also stopped me from being so sad. stopped me from thinking about him every single second. stopped me from thinking about what should have been and what went wrong. but these few days. all the memories came rushing back to me. i don’t know why but i keep thinking about him. keep wondering what is he doing and what is he thinking.

i know this is not good. not good at all.

爱爱爱爱了几回
也明白其中滋味
付出的从来不会等于收回

男人男人多希望你是好人
多希望用你的真让我不必再心疼
我却还在等待着谁能出现

family issues. distance. loyalty. etc etc.

fucking lame excuses. now that i think about it. i feel stupid. and naive. way too stupid. it’s un-fucking-believable. why the hell did he say all those bloody things. i really wonder.

it was easy for him to throw the whole relationship away. without another thought. but i couldn’t do that. i couldn’t stop thinking about him and what should have been. but i had no choice. and i still don’t have a choice now. i know i won’t have it in a million years.

am listening to a new song. quite new i think. “一人晚餐” by 钟嘉欣. i thought she only knows how to act :D

就算一人晚餐一人望海我会习惯
两人座架从沒旁人我懂欣赏孤与单
就算深宵失眠寂寞弥漫有些冰冷
寻到心中所爱　从未多心想再揀
就算一人上班一人候車偶而自叹
我仍学会假日陪同友好傾通宵买衫
就算相恋艰难日夜缓慢世間很冷
回憶不敢偷懶　留守到比不见从不散

cantonese version. i like it :D

they asked him. the previous one or the current one? he said the current one. he didn’t lie. currently he’s hanging out with the most current one out there. what a joke.

i looked back at all the exchanges last night. and i laughed at them. surprisingly i didn’t feel bad. i just enjoyed them. i could imagine all the smiles and laughters. i could still remember all the scenarios. and i miss them. funny how things ended this way.

i had a strange dream last night. i went to his funeral. i was sad. but not because i loved him. because of the things he did before he died. and i told myself someone else was taking the responsibility. someone else should be crying. definitely not me. i didn’t have to anymore. because i didn’t matter anymore. let them cry. let them live in grief. it was none of my business anymore.

and i dreamt about another man. who loved me so much. who treated me like a princess. and i told myself it was what i’ve always wanted. and what i deserved. i woke up feeling weird. i didn’t know which part was true. and i actually asked myself whether he has died.

somehow i wished he is.

i didn’t know what i was expecting when i made the call. i guess i just wanted to know whether i’m still alive. maybe i’ve dead. who knows?

i know i don’t have to pretend to be strong. i know i don’t have to stop crying or stop thinking about him if i really can’t forget him. i know it’s not a crime to be vulnerable once in a while.

i just needed to talk to him. i just needed to hear his voice. but even that was too much for him to handle. maybe.